…In sickness and in health”
I remember hearing those words in so many weddings as I grew up. As a young woman, writing my own wedding vows, I was more concerned with the line about “obey” in it. Would I really vow to “obey my husband”? The line about sickness and health seemed far away in the future, but that darn word, OBEY, was right in my face. We vowed to “encourage each other’s creativity and independence”. I didn’t vow to obey him, and he didn’t vow to obey me either. As a fresh young woman getting married in the seventies, I visualized taking care of Mark when he got sick in a romantic, far away, notion. In reality, when he got sick with a cold or flu, he really didn’t want me fussing over him. He usually wanted to be left alone to get better by himself. The idea of one of us having a serious sickness seemed a distant notion. I could nurse him back to his robust health again, and he would look at me lovingly and tell me what a good wife I was.
Fortunately, we enjoyed many healthy years together. When a spinal injury left him totally paralyzed, in the midst of the Covid outbreak, I wasn’t able to nurse him back to health. We weren’t even allowed in the hospital room, until he had chosen not to continue medical care. For less than a day, I was by his side, giving him bites of sherbert, and trying to be brave. But he was the brave one. He was the one who took care of me. We tried to convince him to stay with us, but he didn’t want to be totally dependent for his very survival. The “sickness” part of our marriage didn’t last very long, but it was devastating. Mark gave me his final gift by telling me to go on and find someone to spend my life with.
And now, I find I am in a place in my life that I couldn’t imagine four years ago. Our friends have been there for me, supporting me with their words, encouraging me to put one foot in front of another, trying to stay positive. One particular friend, Charlie, took me to plays and concerts, and spent hours talking and listening to me tell him about Mark. Maybe because we’ve known each other through our local theater for over a dozen years, or maybe because at our age we’ve lived through many of the same life experiences, but we just feel like a pair of comfortable old shoes. When I’m with him, I don’t feel so alone. When he hugs me, I feel like I’m home again.
About a year ago, I realized I was falling in love with him. I looked forward to his phone calls and visits with excitement. He made me laugh again. I felt like a silly schoolgirl at times, and I wondered if it was “Puppy Love” or the real thing. How could I feel this way again and still love Mark and miss him so much?
I’ve finally realized that my heart can love again, and it doesn’t mean I will forget Mark. He will always be a big part of my life. He is my past, and Charlie is my future. Mark lives on in my children and grandchildren. We talk about what Mark would have thought of things that happen, and what he would have said. And we still hear his words and wisdom in our heads. Now I know what people mean when they say “He was larger than life”. Our daughter Tiffany, called him a “Gentle Giant”. Mark was a large presence in life, and he still is in our family. And so, I’m sure it was with some concern that our grown children watched their mother holding hands and smiling at Charlie. I’m sure they wondered what I was thinking.
My mother, Wanda, found Frank again when they were both 68, at their high school reunion. I tried to get her to “take it slow” and not rush into anything. But she and Frank had dated in high school and when they married he said “I’ve waited fifty years for this woman and I’m not going to wait any longer”. They got married only a few months after their class reunion, and had fifteen happy years together.
Charlie and I have talked about this. It’s different than being in your twenties. We know we have more of our lives behind us than before us. Facing the years ahead with a partner makes life better. It gives me something to look forward to.
And so it was with great excitement that I answered YES when Charlie asked me to marry him last month. I don’t want to live without him next to me. I like having someone who enjoys cooking for me and helping me with projects. The simple pleasures of life seem so much better with him next to me. We probably won’t have forty-four years together like Mark and I did. We won’t be raising children and furthering our careers. We will be slowing down, and taking some travel adventures, and sitting by the fire holding hands.
I remember Frank looking lovingly at my mother and saying “It’s so lovely holding your hand”. I feel that same joy seeing our hands together. It’s a simple pleasure, but it’s so lovely. I hope we have many years holding hands and looking into each other’s eyes. I don’t know what the future will bring, or how much time we will have together. But we will face it together, hand in hand.
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