A year ago we’d just taken the boys to the cabin and laughed watching cartoons together. Mark was excited to show the boys an ice coating on a neighbor’s car that drove through a storm. Tif and the boys joined us on a walk, and we met up with David and Crystal. We also spent some time playing with their baby chickens. Mark made meatloaf and we started a new puzzle. He was looking forward to playing cards online with his brothers in Nebraska. It was just an ordinary day. We felt like life was starting to get back to normal and the Covid pandemic would soon be over. We were wrong.
This was the night it happened. The day our lives changed forever. Mark fell, or tripped, we don’t even know for sure. But he compressed his spinal column, and I didn’t find him until the next morning. He held on all night, waiting for me, and we were able to share our last moments at home, telling each other how much we loved and cared for each other.
That next night was the first night Mark ever spent in the hospital since he was born. His first big surgery. Lots of firsts that you really don’t want to have.
And so began the “Year of Firsts”.
My birthday was less than a week after Mark died, and my first without him for forty five years. Our loving kids made it special and on Mother’s Day they were there, getting my yard ready for summer plants. Trying to do normal activities in a world that felt like it would never be normal again.
The first time we walked into the office was hard. Crystal and I tried to figure out the stacks of paperwork at the dental office where Mark had been working while we were closed down. There was more than usual and he wasn’t there to ask about them. Thank goodness Michelle and Tracy came and helped us. Everything there reminded us of him. It was hard to even go back to work without him there at the front desk. Almost everyone coming in was expecting to see his smile and hear his deep voice greeting them. We are still having to break the sad news to patients as they come back to the office. It’s so hard when they first realize he’s gone. Once the day gets going and patients are there, it feels pretty normal again. But when it’s just Crystal and I alone, and it’s quiet, it’s still hard. At the end of the workday, there’d be time for visiting and I know that was the hardest time alone for Crystal.
Sometimes people tell you the first year after you lose someone is the hardest. The first trip to Nebraska to see his brothers and sisters without him was hard. His Dad’s funeral without him was hard. All the holidays and special anniversaries and his first birthday without him here… it all was hard.
Sometimes even the happy moments are hard too. Holding my newest grandson, Finley Mark, named after him, my is heart filled with love and then my eyes are filled with tears. Mark will never get to hold him, play with him, and teach him like he did the other three. Recording a special message for each of his grandsons in the hospital, I heard Mark’s voice trying to be so positive, but that was the only time I saw his mouth corners go downward. He really didn’t want to leave his little buddies. He talked about the future babies still going to join our family, and I know he was sad not to even meet them.
I know he would have been so excited to meet his first granddaughter, Eliana Isabel. He had been such a good Daddy to his girls, and she would have wrapped him around her little finger. She’s already learning how to smile and tug at my heart. Of all the FIRSTS from this year, these babies are firsts he wouldn’t have wanted to miss. Today she is eight weeks old, and I got to hold her outside while her parents got their garden beds ready for plants.
The seasons have come and gone without Mark, just like they always do. A year has passed. Sometimes I have been in a fog. Sometimes I’m acutely aware of the passage of time. Sometimes I can’t believe it’s actually been a year. Grief isn’t a straight line of progress. Now that the first year is over, it doesn’t mean I’m over grieving. I will still have my ups and downs. But we’ve made it through the year of firsts. Many have been hard, but there are a couple of little babies that will bring us joy for the coming years.
Welcome to Mark’s family, …..Finley Mark and Eliana Isabel. You may not have gotten to know your Grandpa Mark, but you will feel his love through his family and friends. Never doubt that he loved you even before he knew you.
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